The Human Touch

The importance of the human touch, of that physical connection between living beings, has never meant so much to me as it does now.

A hug from your mom, dad, brother, sister, grandma, aunt. Using your best friend as a human pillow, your boyfriend/girlfriend as a leaning post. A squeeze on the shoulder that says a thousand words. A playful slug in the arm between buddies. A shoulder rub. Hands held. Ruffling or smoothing down hair.

These are all things that seem to be in short supply for not only myself, but other PCV’s I’ve talked to, also. But it’s not just these forms of contact, it’s even more general forms, such as proximity while sitting on a bench/couch, being mindful of people’s personal bubbles, casually brushing someone’s arm, back, hair… or NOT doing so for fear of that knee-jerk response of them (or you) pulling back, afraid you’ve offended.

Then there are all the other factors that add to physical proximity and contact such as familiarity, past history, inside jokes, and overall comfort in one’s presence to make you feel at ease.

When you are someone who is bringing different perspectives and thought processes somewhere and already are operating on that separate and metaphysical level, the harsh separation on the physical level makes one feel doubly isolated and strange.
I first became aware of this on my birthday, actually. It was a good day; I truly counted myself lucky to be able to celebrate a couple different ways with people. It was a quiet night, with rum and music, right up my alley. However, I started to feel separate from my roomful of friends and friendly people. These people felt comfortable with each other, they acted comfortable with each other and it was obvious they overall were comfortable with each other. Comfortable enough to share a hammock, tease about things, etc. Not only was I not a part of this comfort, but I wasn’t around those I do feel comfortable around.

Of course, before this, I’ve experienced my fair share of “I want my mommy!” moments, where your mother’s lap or shoulder is the object of one’s desire. But, it was the first time that I totally treasured and missed those moments of comfort between friends, or significant other.

I’ve slowly built up my acceptance and enjoyment of hugs, though never have they meant more to me than seeing all my GUY20 buddies at our PDM conference a few weeks ago. You could practically feel the support, understanding, and care flowing as we all held each other close for a moment (or two). Though we only had spent two months together in training before going off to our sites, those relationships have become a sort of lifeline.

During PDM was when I got to share this dilemma or what have you with others, and find out that some were experiencing the same thing. Some, whether in response to this need or just because it clicked with someone on that level, are in relationships with HCN’s (host-country nationals). In fact, I was one of the only females NOT to be involved with someone, either Guyanese or American. Not that it’s because I’ve made it a point not to, it just hasn’t happened.

And interestingly, I’ve had the “are you seeing anyone?” question thrown my way a couple times recently. Well, no…. Then I get asked, are you interested in anyone around? Well, what do you say to that? “No, I hold myself above reproach in that regard.” “Yes, some of these guys are dreamy, I’d like to be hooked up with one.” It’s not like there’s a fervent search for male companionship, but sure, for the above mentioned reasons, it couldn’t hurt. Actually, to be quite honest, I’ve never found myself desiring a relationship as much as I am now. I can only conclude it’s for the above reasons, actually. It’s interesting to think about, because there seems to be a separation between a PCV’s professional life and their personal life. At least it seems so to me, or perhaps I just seem to struggle to integrate the two, because I do know it’s not a black and white issue.

All I know is, when I see mom or whoever comes and visits me for the first time, there’s gonna be a lot of tears and a whole lot of huggin.