The Third Year

Is there some particular reason this third year is seeming to be the most difficult year of all? The busiest?

I look after CH, feeding animals, directing the cleaning girls, locating borrowed materials. I lead the library in its week's activities, organizing story times, planning for After School Program, fitting in our volunteer's contributions and dealing with personnel issues. I head up a comprehension tutoring session held thrice a week for Grade 6, planning lessons, grading exercises, noting progress, collaborating with the HM and class teacher. I read chapter books to different kids and groups of kids, I ask them comprehension questions, we discuss vocabulary, we write sentences about the stories, we share in the reading responsibilities. I assert my desires with my friends, I invite them over for an evening meal and liming with things prepared, I joke with them, I call them out on their lapses, I disengage more quickly than before, leaving them be. I don't take as much crap - not from friends, not from co-workers, not from students, not from bothersome men.

What was it about my visit home that's made me so much more authoritative, directive.... directed? "You've changed," was something said of me by two different people.

I heard that same thing from my American friends and family during my visit home, but it was interesting to hear it from my Guyanese friends, too. Two years of one new experience seems enough to influence a person, but is 40 days at home enough, as well?

I came back to Guyana with new clothes, no glasses on my face, make up instead. I came back with different gifts, new stories to share, a more finite direction in my life, one after this experience. I came back with a full dose of love from the US, a whole dose of encouragement, a whole dose of contentment of being myself - which I am now asserting - more than I ever did before here. This must be what the "You've changed" is about.

Part of me thinks "Well, thank heavens someone has changed, Lord knows change is necessary within developing countries!" My impatience for the same old hook ups has increased, my tolerance for lack of gumption is wavering. My ability/tendency to keep trying the same thing in the same ways and getting the same results is waning.

Alice was removed from the country. Unofficially deported back to the States. That Saturday, a few weeks ago, was disturbing; the implications of developing a country very bold and important. And the effects of her absence were immediately noted; I found myself averse to these changes. She was the kick in the pants that this place needed, albeit a strong, pestering and relentless one.

I wasn't here for the last time she was removed from the country, but I arrived to see it's lasting effects, and it seems like the potential for backsliding again this time is strong. No one can say that Yups is lacking for support and inspiration and materials. But you can only lead a horse to water... I am no longer trying to force them to drink.

There was something about my visit home, and Alice's removal, that made the gap between complaints/"should do's" and "Well, do it's" smaller. I find myself being even more vocal/direct with my plans and requests. There is a list of imperatives, and while I cannot hold the same list as Alice did, I can try to keep the same spirit alive. The librarians and frequent library limers are being kept quite busy within the library; our temporary volunteers are being monitored and guided on their volunteering experience. My friends are getting a blast of impatience for the extreme "Hakunah Matata" vibe they put off.

Limitations are being recognized and certain ideas or events scrapped, before an attempt and fail can mar everyone's spirits - or perhaps just my own. I'm finding myself to be a more vibrant personality, succeeding at being what people need down here, and for that, I am proud. Proud to have realized that progress is never finished, and even though there is no concrete end, that's no reason to step back and let progress progress on it's own. Proud to realize that being a complimentative entity for my first two years and now a dynamic entity for my last year is how I can best leave Yupukari, best to prepare them for the years and progress to come.

I am proud to fill that needed role here, and willing to do so for this next year. My only qualm is: Am I being what/who I need me to be, too?