How the crap am I supposed to help here? Be effective? What do you all expect me to do? No one wants to inform me, no one wants to work with me. What is the point of a third year if there are no changes?
It's as if Spring is fighting to come in, the grass is poking its tips out of the earth, but blizzards keep coming, keep the warmth from spreading.
It’s a level meeting this afternoon, for grades 5 and 6. Parents are invited to attend, and teachers are there as well. As someone who works closely with the school, you’d think I’d be informed, at least – but I wasn’t. As I work closely with grade 6, you’d think I’d be informed, invited and asked to participate and or help. That’s what I’m here for, right? To add something to the mix? To work alongside them, have the same goals?
Change takes time, sure, but I think for me, what the most frustrating part is, is that at this point, the mix ups/lapses/backwards ways of acting are no longer new. You used to feel shocked by them, but you let pass because you didn’t understand things, or you told yourself you wouldn’t be able to help in the amount of time you've been there, so let it be. Or maybe it's not your place to harp on them.
If I were to choose to harp on each every day frustrating aspect, I’d have no time to do anything else and I’d be miserable and make those around me miserable, too.
So letting things slide is probably for the best, but at this point, it’s become something I have to see every day, and not see change to it, either. Every meeting I attend now, when invited, seems pointless, with no purpose, no visible objective achieved. People keep making the same mistakes, more than once, more than twice.
I have to nose myself into a meeting? I have to re-direct the flow of conversation? I have to insist upon doing things MY way, since they won’t let us work together to create OUR way? it feels like it.
This passiveness is getting a little to much for me to handle.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Seasons
I complained about the wintery weather of Kansas City when I visited over the Holidays. I always loved winter, and the fresh coldness of it, the beautiful snow, the enjoyable warm beverages and the hoodies, scarves and slippers, but perhaps it was the sudden contrast, coming from a tropical climate to instant winter, that put me off of it, mentally and physically. All the sudden I was dealing with chapped lips when I never had to wear chapstick or lipgloss down there if I didn’t want to. My face suddenly was flaky and needed lotion more than twice a day, as well as my body, when I had no use for such things down there. I hadn’t needed lotion down there, and because any time I’d come out of the shower, I’d just sweat as I tried to apply it, I soon stopped the routine all together.
My home in KC, set at 69 degrees Fahrenheit, seemed to be chilly enough to have a cool nose and toes, and don’t even think about going to the garage or downstairs for fun. For the start of my visit home, especially, it was so cold outside, you rushed from car to house as quick as you could and thoughts of spending time outside recreationally were nipped in the bud. Definite sensations of cabin fever arose.
I found myself wishing for that sweaty, buggy, dirty terrain of Guyana, pretty quickly. Sure, you always had sweat stains, daily bathing was a necessity, most likely twice daily, as well, and it was almost always an issue of how much more one could remove of clothing to be most comfortable but not inappropriate. Any makeup you put on would be sweat off and smeared, or would make you break out or attract bugs so you wore the minimal. But it was breezy, refreshing. You weren’t encumbered by layers of clothes, or body care products (besides soap and deodorant). Free as the wind blows.
As a young adult who would be pretty content with air conditioning in the summer, this was a surprise to me as well as Mom, that I found myself in a tropical location for two years, and then chose to stay longer. That’s not to say I didn’t love nature or the outdoors or summer, I just enjoyed being cold.
Coming back into Guyana, I was met with the same breezes, the same lush plants, the same rains and the same natural smells. It was a ‘breath of fresh air,’ for certain, although it did occur to me, on some level, that everything was the SAME. Or, things emitted the air of sameness. That stability, knowing what to expect, can be appreciated at times – especially in a line of work that involves so much instability and surprise.
As I sat on the veranda to the hotel I stay at in Town, seeing the palm trees and feeling the breeze, I thought of – again – how I will need to say goodbye to it all, how my time in Yups will come to an end, how change has already started there, and will continue without me there. It sort of feels wrong to think of life continuing as normal without me there – my own life and life in the village. But, I remind myself that I’ve had to say goodbye to other seasons of my life before this one.
I remember feeling so involved with my job at Worlds of Fun, I stayed for 4 seasons there. I remember when I was in the pit orchestra for the play, My Fair Lady, that was a wonderful couple of months, full of rehearsals and planning and practicing. I remember when my routine every Sunday meant driving 45 minutes from college to KC to teach preschool and kindergarten Sunday school. Each season becomes a part of you, it’s in you, you feel it.
But most things don’t last forever. They can’t. Things ebb and flow.
Which is why I love the Midwestern seasons so much. None of the perpetual sameness, NOR the drastic leap from one extreme to the other. Granted, my favorite seasons are the transition seasons, Autumn and then Spring, but even the extremes of Winter and Summer have moments of joy, and moments that shed glory on their opposite.
It’s slow, it’s gradual, each season prepares you for the next. One can remorse that Summer is over, but then one can rejoice that Fall has begun, for Fall brings its own beauties, Fall brings us Winter, and of course, Summer is only a Spring’s breath away.
Even the more or less constant tropical character of down here has its slight seasons. There is a rainy season and a dry season. Growth seasons and re-growth seasons – just not all at the same time.
Earth’s beautiful balances. The end of one thing marks the beginning of another. And all good things must come to a close, sooner or later.
My home in KC, set at 69 degrees Fahrenheit, seemed to be chilly enough to have a cool nose and toes, and don’t even think about going to the garage or downstairs for fun. For the start of my visit home, especially, it was so cold outside, you rushed from car to house as quick as you could and thoughts of spending time outside recreationally were nipped in the bud. Definite sensations of cabin fever arose.
I found myself wishing for that sweaty, buggy, dirty terrain of Guyana, pretty quickly. Sure, you always had sweat stains, daily bathing was a necessity, most likely twice daily, as well, and it was almost always an issue of how much more one could remove of clothing to be most comfortable but not inappropriate. Any makeup you put on would be sweat off and smeared, or would make you break out or attract bugs so you wore the minimal. But it was breezy, refreshing. You weren’t encumbered by layers of clothes, or body care products (besides soap and deodorant). Free as the wind blows.
As a young adult who would be pretty content with air conditioning in the summer, this was a surprise to me as well as Mom, that I found myself in a tropical location for two years, and then chose to stay longer. That’s not to say I didn’t love nature or the outdoors or summer, I just enjoyed being cold.
Coming back into Guyana, I was met with the same breezes, the same lush plants, the same rains and the same natural smells. It was a ‘breath of fresh air,’ for certain, although it did occur to me, on some level, that everything was the SAME. Or, things emitted the air of sameness. That stability, knowing what to expect, can be appreciated at times – especially in a line of work that involves so much instability and surprise.
As I sat on the veranda to the hotel I stay at in Town, seeing the palm trees and feeling the breeze, I thought of – again – how I will need to say goodbye to it all, how my time in Yups will come to an end, how change has already started there, and will continue without me there. It sort of feels wrong to think of life continuing as normal without me there – my own life and life in the village. But, I remind myself that I’ve had to say goodbye to other seasons of my life before this one.
I remember feeling so involved with my job at Worlds of Fun, I stayed for 4 seasons there. I remember when I was in the pit orchestra for the play, My Fair Lady, that was a wonderful couple of months, full of rehearsals and planning and practicing. I remember when my routine every Sunday meant driving 45 minutes from college to KC to teach preschool and kindergarten Sunday school. Each season becomes a part of you, it’s in you, you feel it.
But most things don’t last forever. They can’t. Things ebb and flow.
Which is why I love the Midwestern seasons so much. None of the perpetual sameness, NOR the drastic leap from one extreme to the other. Granted, my favorite seasons are the transition seasons, Autumn and then Spring, but even the extremes of Winter and Summer have moments of joy, and moments that shed glory on their opposite.
It’s slow, it’s gradual, each season prepares you for the next. One can remorse that Summer is over, but then one can rejoice that Fall has begun, for Fall brings its own beauties, Fall brings us Winter, and of course, Summer is only a Spring’s breath away.
Even the more or less constant tropical character of down here has its slight seasons. There is a rainy season and a dry season. Growth seasons and re-growth seasons – just not all at the same time.
Earth’s beautiful balances. The end of one thing marks the beginning of another. And all good things must come to a close, sooner or later.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Christmas in KC
Oh, I DID have myself a Merry KC Christmas. In spite of the chapped lips, dry skin, nippy nose and toes…
I went to St. Joe and saw my beloved profe and long lost buddy for some Mexican food time and charlando time. Chips, salsa, gossip, Christmas lights, Castilla’s crazy driving.
I went to the Plaza and had dinner and went ice skating with my brothers and Caitlin for youthful playtime and festive get togethers. Manicotti, wine, scarves, games, dogs, hot cocoa.
Amanda came over and chilled several times at the house, we went shopping and drank coffee, it felt like old times. Thrift stores, coffee cups, HTLAG.
Baking, baking baking. Gingereep cookies – 1:2 ratio of casareep to molasses. Muddy Buddies with Tony. Peanut butter kiss cookies as we listened to R. Kelly’s first 12 episodes of “Trapped in the Closet.” Chocolate covered pretzels, a special request of Dad’s. Cranberry nut bread and biscotti.
Hung out with Tricia at her house, for dinner, movies and chill time. Wrapping paper, boxes, bows; chicken wings, French fries, sparkling cider; snoring on Trish’s couch.
Going to Crown Center with Dad to shop. Downtown Kansas City, middle school carolers and bell ringers, shopping for a Santa, shopping for a hat, D.O.V.E. center for girls, hummus and pita bread, lazy talks with Dad.
Dinners with the family - tostadas, Dad’s birthday dinner, Christmas dinner, chile rellenos at Nana and Papa’s, Christmas with the Kilgores, Brazilian at Vince and Andressa’s. Tostadas, beer, Spanish rice, egg nog, rum, fusball; steak, beans, salad, baked potato, pineapple upside down cake, Crown Royal, forro; bacon bagles, tamales, enchiladas, apple crisp, rum, Uncle Joe, Gina, Michael, grandma; chile relleno, sopa de fideo, Dos XX, chocolate pie; all the finger foods you could think of; beans and rice, roast chicken, guava cheese, avocado shake, forro, three little girls.
The Family Stone, Little Women, How the Grinch Stole Christmas; “O Come All Ye Faithful,” “Jingle Bells,” “Feliz Navidad.”
Gingerbread lattes and the smell of pine and cinnamon in the air. Those one red plants – what are those called?
All this and more made my Christmas a Merry one, though I sadly realized something – try as I may, it will never be like it was when I was a kid. Even in the couple years before I left home, I remember the zest in which I tried to hold alive Christmas traditions, only to find that too much time had passed, people moved on or grew/changed.
However - there’s something about Christmas that makes me feel like a kid even more than normal; it’s something that didn’t decrease with age and reasoning for me. You don’t need Santa to believe in the Spirit of Christmas, though he certainly is a good embodiment of it. You just need love, rejuvenation and a spirit of joyful giving/celebrating. Awareness of the Reason doesn’t hurt, either.
So that’s my challenge to all of us out there, whether we be from Kansas City or Yups, from Missouri or Region 9, from the US or from Guyana – always remember to find The Reason for the Christmas season and embrace it, delight in it. Find YOUR reason for enjoying the season, whether it be baking, singing, gift-giving/receiving, family, parties, etc. and share it!
Here’s to all the past, present and future Christmases – may they always be so Merry.
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