Fatigue

You know, I use the word "tired" to describe how I am a lot. one might suppose I don't get enough sleep, or I'm sick or just lazy or it's just in my head. Am I really "tired"? I'll tell you what fatigues me; it's a combination of - limited water, leaky roof, tattered clothes, spoiling food, food tampered with by living creatures (bugs, possum, kids), faulty equipment; the half-assed last minute nature of things that makes projects sub-standard and stress, the lack of answers/resources to meet simple issues, the utter helplessness one can feel when trying to improve, solve or just deal with all these issues.

You simply cannot react how you might have back home, your anger may be too damaging or inappropirate or misguided, your zest to improve may be hampered by the same factors you are fighting to improve. One must "fight" the system, but at the same time one must join into the system. Such tiring work.

Athletics started yesterday and it began unceremoniously, the kids were chaotic and didn't know how to follow the rules, no one showed up for the first half, and I was submitted to hear how it should be, should have been the entire time, by the teachers. They spend so much time condemning the existing event and swearing improvement for the "next time." I'm TIRED of hearing the "should be's" and the "next time's."

I bought beef. Three pounds, part of the calf muscle. Lucy helped me make tasso out of it. Tasso is salted beef dried in the sun - keeps longer, it's durable, too. I tied up a string right outside my door, under the awning, open to air and sun. The pieces dried fine, and I left them there for safe-keeping. This morning two of the three pieces (the two biggest) are missing. I should have known. I hate how I should have know. Days only just begun and I'm tired.

I'm well and happy enough to live here and go with the flow most of the time, but as far as my duty to change the flow, I feel pretty feeble and askew. And that, too, is hutzpah-draining.