Today's Reflections

I sent this in an email to mom, dad and some others, but after re-reading it, I figured it made a good blog, as well as a venue for my news:

I've decided officially to stay in Peace Corps, Guyana, Region 9, Yup., K. House for a third year.

Can I do it? Should I do it? These are my reflections today, ones that circle around my choice to stay:

At the moment, I'm not ok, but I'm working on being ok, which is ok in itself, right? It's funny, I have a feeling of sadness and fatigue, but also a feeling of calm, that is wonderful. I love when this happens. It allows me to pull forth and employ hidden depths of strength, intermittently.

There is something so therapeutic about singing with kids; I greatly love it. It calms me, it lifts my spirits, it gets me rejoicing. I sometimes feel as if I'm working with them to help me more than to help them.

I am looking into my loan info, an act that makes me feel quite mature. I think I have a handle on it, know how to get them under control for the upcoming third year. Taking this definitive action for a third year is empowering and I'm pleased with the concrete decision I consciously made - as opposed to letting time or opinion/suggestion of others lead me to accepting whatever plan. (Thank you, Mom.) It's also neat to have a plan to depend on for the future, to work with/around. Of course, plans change, but I am aware of external forces happening, and I am open to that. I at least have the force to take a step in my direction of choice first, as opposed to being pulled, pushed, floating whichever pell mell (seemingly) random way. I also recognize that I may change my mind, though I find that doubtful. But if so, that's ok, too, as it reflects a conscious, active control over my person (one I don't always feel). So I fully support the changing of my mind, if that's where I want to go.

Change is coming today, with this new volunteer here for 6 months. I was fearful and put out by it around two weeks back, but now I welcome the change and view it as necessary. I think it was time for a change. Things were getting stale and I was unable to overcome that on my own. It's a new beginning, for sure, though; I am leaving behind the 1.5 years of solidarity here, in K. House, and as a volunteer. I'll miss the alone time, but on the other hand, I think I need to interact with humans more; this New Year's trip to Saddle Mountain was a good exercise in just that. I even found I enjoyed it and did ok enough with it. Time for a change. I'm glad I'm ok with that.

Last thing: Don't clean a fish while intoxicated on any medium to high level. I'm sporting some cuts/scrapes on my hands this morning. As well as scales ALL over my kitchen. It really is an outside activity. Lesson learned. (But the meal was good, and the rice wine, while potent, made me proud. One last hurrah while the house was solely 'mine.')